Communication Bingles

Communication Bingles –
a gold mine for better relationships

If we avoid conflict in order to preserve relationships, the sad paradox is that we actually weaken them and run the risk of losing them anyway.
Living with another person, every day there is going to be conflict, whether it is big (such as whether to live by the beach or in the Outback) or small (as in whose turn it is to bring the cat indoors).

Trying to determine where and how your communications are breaking down into communication bingles can be made simplier by using the services of a trained relationship counsellor.

When both people value pretty much the same things, for instance when both want to try farming, the task of negotiating becomes easier.  But when values differ, many of us get along by not talking about hot topics.

We do that with the best of intentions of preserving the relationship, because our experience has been that talking leads to argument, leads to hurt feelings, distancing and fear of losing each other.  Resolution seems unattainable, so we stop trying and walk on eggshells around the topic, hoping for the best.
Fortunately, there is also opportunity in every distress pattern between couples.  Learning to harness it can be rewarding in terms of increased fun, trust, respect and intimacy.

We usually focus on what has been done to us by the other person and put our energies into trying to get them to change, so that we feel comfortable.  Instead, try turning it around and think:

  • What did you dislike about your part in a hurtful interaction?  Write down what you would want to change about your part.  It could be that you yelled abuse, threatened, sulked, slammed a door or exaggerated something.  Instead of telling your partner about his or her part, tell them what you noticed about your own behaviour that you didn’t like.
  • Be prepared to apologise and leave out any feedback about them or expecting an apology from them, in return.  This is simply about being the best partner you can be.
  • Make a commitment to yourself that when you fall into those habits again in the future, you will retrieve the situation as quickly as possible by stopping, acknowledging that you’re not happy with yourself and taking time to think.
  • Look for the germ of truth in what your partner has said to you.  There usually is something to be acknowledged.  Imagine if, instead of hearing  ‘yeah but you’re never there for me’, he or she was acknowledged with ‘you’re right about my habit of sulking.  I want to change that’.

There is no need to wait until there is a communication crash before employing new skills.  Every day, whether it be in a strained relationship with your partner, or with your children, find three things to say that are complementary or appreciative.

If you excuse yourself from building new communication muscle on the grounds that the person has been mean or negligent on that day, you are the one missing a golden opportunity to find the positive.  Take the challenge to change the direction of communication from the old familiar one of fault-finding and withdrawal.  Replace that with a new habit of noticing the good and emphasizing that instead.

Most people have trouble identifying where their communication skills are letting them down.  The services of a skilled counsellor can help you find and deal with the triggers that lead to communication bingles.

Rosalin can be contacted by on Phone: -0424 002 640 or

rosalinprimrose@gmail.com

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Suite 18, Level 4
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MAROOCHYDORE QLD 4558

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5 Maleny Road
LANDSBOROUGH QLD 4550

Please ring or email Rosalin for appointments at any of these offices.

 

Experienced & Trusted Counsellor…

Rosalin Primrose - Psychologist

Rosalin Primrose

MA, Reg Psychologist, FDRP

Phone: 0424 002 640

Your privacy is important so who can you trust?

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Knowing that your privacy is of paramount importance in the client/counsellor relationship will help you to relax in counselling sessions and Rosalin’s supportive and caring approach will help hasten a speedy resolution to your problems.

What if you never changed the way you are feeling or behaving now? Don't risk staying stuck in non-serving thinking or behaviour.....

Phone: 0424 002 640